Psalm 46

Today I had a good cry over the phone with my mom about a variety of things, one of them being Haiti. I cried because I have been there. I have seen the poverty in the small faces of the children. I have held children whose mother’s do not have enough money to put diapers on them or shoes on their feet. I cried because now some of those mother’s no longer have their children and some of those children no longer have mother’s to hold them or houses to live in or clean water to drink.

I also cried to my mom today because of my situation at the school. My teacher who was gone and then came back is gone again. This time he has gone to alcohol treatment and he will be gone until February. Instead of the school asking him to make lesson plans or hiring a sub to teach, the aide Denise and I are flying by the seat of our pants every morning to come up with something for the children to learn. I cried because I know that the children in my class are getting a sub-standard education. I cried because the responsibility of teaching them overwhelms me. I feel like I can’t do it. I’m not educated as a teacher and yet I am faced with a self-inflicted responsibility to teach. I am the one who makes me feel guilty because the children are not getting a good education. I cried because I can’t handle the pressure that I am putting me under.

Before I left for Christmas we had a Christmas party in my class and I got to see the kids open presents. For a few students in my class the presents they got at the party might be the only ones that got. I cried today because I have so much love for the faces that I saw light open when they opened simple presents. For the faces that bring so much joy to my life, when they tell me things like, “Teacher I like you.” I cried because I get told by kids every day that I’m mean because I enforce rules or try to create order in a classroom surrounded by chaos.

I cried because I have only been back here since Saturday and already I feel as though I can’t do it. I cried because I feel like I am failing at almost everything.

My mom told me to get over myself. She said that God is with me and that He will take care of me. Focusing on things I cannot change won’t do any good, I need to focus on the one thing I can change and that’s my attitude. Finally I cried because I knew that my mom was right. Then I found Psalm 46 and it seemed like I didn’t need to cry anymore.

“God is our refuge and strength, an ever-present help in trouble. Therefore we will not fear, though the earth give way and the mountains fall into the heart of the sea, though its waters roar and foam and the mountains quake with their surging. Be still, and know that I am God… The Lord Almighty is with us; The God of Jacob is our fortress.” Psalm 46: 1-3, 10, and 11.